Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
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The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
i love modern commerce
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?