Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
You Might Also Like
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]