Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
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Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.