Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
You Might Also Like
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.