My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
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All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha