[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
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Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend