We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
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DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
meow
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.