I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
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Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country