What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
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I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I am, perchance
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times