My blood type is b hungry.
You Might Also Like
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?