I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
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Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
when dads have a rap battle
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.