Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
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Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.