My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
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Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.