Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
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No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car