That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
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Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Anime is real
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone