me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
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[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.