I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
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In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses