I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
You Might Also Like
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.