Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
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I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Me too, bag. Me too….
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.