My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
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[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I have questions??
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me