I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
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I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.