Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
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Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver