The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
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Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
They’re on their honeymoon
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material