If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Risking my life for fun.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.