Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
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my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Wait a second…
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
NASA has no chill
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Herpes is trending, good job people
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification