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9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
😲 WTF? 😆
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won