God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
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If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
But that’s none of my business
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.