If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
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[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”