hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
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sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.