Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
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Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.