me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
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Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator