My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
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But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.