My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
You Might Also Like
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off