“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
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The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen