The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
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Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.