Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
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Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I feel seen
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
“you changed” bro i was 15
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers