you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
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If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.