They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
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“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009: