Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
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I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.