Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
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New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.