Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
You Might Also Like
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”