A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
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This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
oh you like architecture? name three walls
i actually laughed 😩
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed