Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
My dating profile:
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy