You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
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I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
same energy
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.