[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
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I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Netflix and awkward silence?
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
This is me
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.