I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
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ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
The Sun
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
omg leave her alone
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket