My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
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I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.