Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
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I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Guys, I found it.