The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
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A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Check out the legs on this baby
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back