It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
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My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on